The Mummy Review (No Spoilers) | Film Talk

June 11, 2017 No comments exist

The Mummy And The Dark Universe Film Franchise


This is my review for The Mummy (2017) Starring Tom Cruise.

The return of The Mummy was a bigger disappointment than The Mummy Returns.

What the…who the fuck writes this shit?

The Mummy is a soft reboot of The Mummy starring Brendon Fraser before he got FATTY FAT FAT FAT. The film kicks off the Universal Studios Dark Universe franchise. Universal Studios have threatened us with making more of these but don’t worry we wont be getting any more of them because the film is a whole pile of DOGGGG SHIIIIT and it instantly murders any chance of you wanting to see a sequel yaaaaaaay SHARRRED UNIVERSE MOVIES IM NOT SIIIICK OF THEM YET YAAAAY.

The movie stars the greatest actor in the world, Tom Cruise, teaming up with Russel Crowe…who is also the greatest actor in the world.

Tom Cruise is up to his usual tricks PEW PEW. Hes punching the lads, hes pulling the girls and he’s just being a bloody great guy PEW PEW PEW!!!

It’s pretty obvious that the lad has been playing Uncharted, he portrays Nathan Drake, mass murderer with a heart of gold. On one of his wacky….AH HA HAAAA IVE JUST MURDERED SOMEONES FATHER adventures he stumbles across the tomb of The Mummy,

Tom starts having craaaazzzzy flashes of the bird from Kingsman. You know the one with the spike legs.

 

And Tom Cruise sort of is drawn to her from their first meeting.

From there the movie goes on a cluster fuck mission of what the fuck is happening. The movie feels very strange tonally. It’s not funny enough to be funny…like me IM A RIGHT LAUGH AHAHAHAHAHAHAH and its not scary either…I mean sure I shit myself during it but that’s because I have POOR BOWEL CONTROL.

I just felt like it was missing the movie magic of the first two films. The team just don’t have the sparkle that Brendon Fraiser, That Mummy lad, Rachel Weisz, That lad with the turbin and the face tattoos and John Hannah did. I miss the original mummy crew, they were the best, you are the best, it was the best day of my life. Tom Cruise whilst normally brilliant I just felt was a bit meh here. He’s too much of a nice guy to really pull of the guy who will put a parachute on to save himself whilst letting you die and due to this it’s hard to really relate with the character.

There are also certain things jammed into the plot that feel like they need to be there because we need sequels.

Kill me now!

Overall I really didn’t enjoy the movie, no surprises there

That’s why im giving it a 4.5/10

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