Split Movie Review By Deffinition

January 30, 2017 No comments exist

Shit


Check out my movie review of ‘Split!’

The latest M. Night Shyamlam film starring James McAvoy.

Watch my vlog or read my full script below.


This movie was so bad they should have called it shit.

(Intro)

So Split is the latest film by M. Night Shamalayamamanam. I don’t know why he still keeps getting movies, he made like two great films, one okay one and the rest were terrible. And he’s still getting the money, we follow the story of Kevin, a schitzonphrenic with 23 split personalities. Although we only ever see five of them….and two of them are exactly the same and one of them is professor X. Kevin has kidnapped three girls and is preparing to sacrifice them to his latest personality…the beast. We follow the girls as they try to escape and interact with Kevin’s 5 personalities. The movie is really strange and intriguing but there isn’t much below the surface and the twist…was pretty obvious from the start. They even spoilt it in the trailers. Like that Terminator Genysis movie where they told you John Conner was a Terminator. WHAT THE SHIT MAN WHY YOU SPOILING IT MAN WHAT THE SHIT!!!

The movie is very derivative of Silence of the Lambs if it was shown solely from Buffalo Bill’s perspective. Due to this it has no real dynamic to it. Whilst in Silence of the Lambs, lector and Clarice provided changes to the drama ‘I WASHED IT DOWN WITH A BOTTLE OF CIANTI AADHADHSDSDH. this is a steady pace and environment. I think there’s about 4 locations in the movie, it could’ve been shot at an Asda.’

I watched three horror movies this weekend: The Autopsy Of Jane Doe, Train To Busan and Split and the first two completely outshine the latter making it hard to not be too harsh on it. It’s not completely terrible, James McAvoy does a great job with what he has to work with and he feels believable and threatening whilst kind and sorrowful depending on which character he is playing.  At least he’s better than Mark Wahlberg was in Shamalalahamahans other film The Happening.

Actual Scene From The Happening

‘Are you tryna kill me?’

‘Whaaaaaat…..noo.’

 

Anya Taylor-Joy also knocks it out the park as the victim and she is empowered throughout. It’s just a shame that neither actor really got given more to work with and Shamalam has to HE JUST HAS TO put a fucking twist in the film, no matter how little it makes sense or is surprising. What a dick head. Yeah mate we know, Bruce Willis was actually dead the whole time…it was a good twist..you don’t need to make a film where plants are the fucking enemy and the village is actually just recreation of beamish. JUST STOP YOUR SHIT.

So I’ve got a new scale. Buy it. See it. Steal it. Bin it. I’d give the movie a steal it! I’m not saying like illegally download it. I’m saying use a perfectly legal peer to peer hosting programme that allows you to watch films which has been shared by people who have previously purchased the film. I’ll probably get sued for this. Cheers. It’s not horrendous but it just doesn’t live up to it’s potential and we are now like 20 movies into Shamalam doing the saaaaame thing over and over with a shitty twist.

So onto spoilers.

It turns out that the beast is a real person because if you believe something it is true. Yeah…ok……that would be a good twist if you hadn’t said that throughout the entire movie and made no real reason why anyone would doubt that anyway. Twists are good when there are Red Herrings and this has none. The movie for some reason is also tied into unbreakable. When the score from Unbreakable started playing at the end I just thought…..’fucks sake.’ We then see Bruce Willis in a diner watching the tv…it’s the best scene in the movie and it’s about 5 seconds long which speaks to the quality of the film. I just have no idea why they needed to tie these two films together other than Unbreakable was a superhero movie and they are popular now. This was jammed in at the end for no other reason to make money down the line. Unbreakable is one of my favourite films ever and it’s now been soured because I have to include this shit because it was in the last 2 minutes. Fucks sake. Originally Unbreakable was supposed to be a trilogy but they decided it was better off self contained. Now they’ve ruined it, well done shamalam, you might as well ruin one of your only decent films, why not tie the shit split sequel into the sixth sense and then we can have a full house. Brillaint!

So what did you think of the film.

Comment below and let me know or ill split your head open.

Cheers

 

Thank You!

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